18 Aug The Happiest Couples Think THIS About Each Other

For years, researchers didn’t study happy couples. They studied stuck and struggling marriages with the hopes of helping couples avoid the hurdles or habits that lead to an unhappy partnership. These social scientists believed that by better understanding struggling marriages, they could help couples develop great ones. Makes sense.

Here’s what they found. They discovered that in unhappy marriages, spouses didn’t understand each other. Additionally, unhappy couples couldn’t accurately identify each other’s strengths and weaknesses. So, counselors worked to help couples have a clearer understanding of who their spouse TRULY was. Do you know who yours is?

Study your spouse.

But even when counselors helped spouses better understand each other, it often didn’t help improve the marriages. So, a group of leading researchers from the School of Positive Psychology took a different approach. They argued that if we want to know the distinct characteristics of great marriages, we must study great marriages with the same intensity that has been given to studying ones that were struggling. In other words, they wanted to figure out what makes a great marriage great.

What they discovered blew me away at first but now makes perfect sense. It turns out, their hunch was right. Just like great business owners, great athletes, and great parents aren’t simply the opposite of struggling ones, it turns out great marriages are not just the opposite of struggling marriages.

They are different in a very specific way.

Happy couples think this…

The spouses in happy couples think highly of each other. For instance, in one study conducted by Dr. Sandra Murray and her colleagues from The State University of New York, couples were given a list of qualities and asked to rate their spouse on them. These qualities included things like: (1) “kind and affectionate,” (2) “open and disclosing,” (3) “patient,” (4) “warm,” (5) “sociable”, etc.

Now, if we were to stick to the original premise—that spouses in good marriages understand each other—then it would seem that when a husband rates his wife high on “patience” and low on “sociable” and his wife ranks herself the same way, meaning they’re in sync, they should be a very happy couple. But the research proved this wasn’t true at all.

The study discovered one distinct pattern that emerged in the happiest of couples. The happiest, most satisfied couples were the ones where one person rated their partner more positively than their partner rated themselves… in every single category.

Turns out, an accurate understanding of each other’s strengths and weaknesses does not make us more satisfied in marriage. Or, to put it another way, mutual understanding doesn’t make a happy marriage.

The people who saw their partner as better than they saw themselves—or, love-blind couples—were happiest. In other words, a happy marriage was made up of two people who thought of one another, “I wish you could see you the way I see you.” They were seeing their spouse through rose-colored glasses.

Now, you might be thinking, like I was, that “there’s no way love blindness can last, right?” The researchers wondered the same thing and tracked these couples to see what would happen if spouses did not live up to the high view their spouse had of them. When the couples discovered a spouse wasn’t as great as they imagined, surely marital satisfaction would plummet, right? Actually, no. These couples were not only more satisfied with the relationship later, they also reported fewer sources of conflict and fewer moments of doubt. So, there you have it. Spouses who think highly of each other have a strong marriage today, and an even stronger one tomorrow.

So, what now?

Look for the best in your wife. Focus on the things you love about her over the things you don’t. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best about her, especially when she is frustrating or you’re experiencing conflict. Too often we start having conflict with our spouses and start telling ourselves stories about their motivations that aren’t true. Stop, and ask yourself the question, “What story am I telling myself about her?” Look for what is noble and admirable about her in those moments.

Sound off: How much effort are you giving to understanding your spouse better?