21 Aug 6 Ways to Stop Controlling Your Kids and Start Controlling Yourself

Our oldest son has always been a picky eater. When he was 18 months old, our pediatrician said, “Feed him the foods he should eat. When he gets hungry enough, he will eat it.” He refused to eat rice and chicken for dinner a few days later. Before bed, we tried to feed it to him again. Nope. We tried the next morning for breakfast. Nope. We tried it the next day for lunch. Nope. We tried later that afternoon. Nope.

I’m 100% convinced he would still not have eaten that chicken rice. I wish I had known that day what I know for certain today: You cannot control your child’s behavior, but you can control your own. Here are 6 ways to stop being a controlling parent.

1. Know your triggers.

What does your kid do that bothers you more than it should? When does your reaction not match the situation? When my kids act like they don’t want to do a chore, it pushes my buttons. My internal dialogue is, “After all the things I do for them, yet they complain about an easy chore!” I think this is pushing the button in me of not feeling appreciated. While my kids being disrespectful is not OK, having a disappointed look about having to do a chore is understandable.

2. Be realistic.

You may think it is time for your 4-year-old son to look adults in the eye and say hello, but this may be more difficult for him than other kids. You may want your brilliant daughter to make all A’s, but she may not have the organizational skills yet. So be realistic; just because you think something should happen doesn’t mean it will or even that it should. The more realistic we are, the less controlling we are.

3. Communicate choices.

The hard truth is that we can’t make our kids do anything. We can’t make them be nice to their siblings, do their homework, or respect their mother. But they do make choices, and often, it is helpful to frame things in the form of choices. “If you choose to say unkind things to your sister, your consequence will be to do something for her by doing her chores.” If you choose to pick up your toys by 8 p.m., you will get to stay up for 30 extra minutes. Since you chose to be disrespectful to your mom, you will need to write her a letter apologizing. The goal is to communicate to your kid that choices come with consequences, both good and bad.

4. Model healthy behavior.

It’s cliché for a reason, “Things are caught, not taught.” Have you ever done things like realizing you’re yelling at your kids to stop yelling? Our kids can choose to yell, but we can choose not to yell ourselves, modeling the behavior we are after.

5. Slow down.

When your child does something you want to control quickly, give yourself space to let the logical part of your brain return online. That’s the part of your brain that knows you can’t make your child do anything.

6. Choose your battles.

The less you try to control, the less controlling you will be. I gave up trying to make my kids keep their rooms neat. If they want to live in a space that smells like a Burger King dumpster, that’s their choice. On the other hand, my kids respecting my wife and their mom is a huge deal to me. But instead of saying, “I will not allow you to disrespect your mom.” I now say, “If you choose to disrespect your mom, __________is going to be your consequence.” To their credit, all 4 of my very different kids are very respectful to their mom.

Sound off: How do you talk about choices with your kid?