13 Jan 6 Ways Not to Give Up on Your Marriage

Sociologist Linda Waite from the University of Chicago studied 550 adults from a national database. Sixty-four percent of those who said they were unhappy in their marriages but stayed together reported they were happy five years later, while 50% of those who divorced or separated still felt unhappy. “Permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare,” Waite says.

What? Is it possible to save a marriage that seems doomed? Don’t bad relationships always snowball into really bad relationships? Anchor The answer might surprise you. No. For example, just because you struggle with communication doesn’t mean you will forever. Often something unexpected happens when your marriage goes through challenging times together; you end up more connected. Here are 6 ways not to give up on your marriage.

1. Ask a better question.

Instead of asking “Is this marriage working for me?” ask, “What am I doing to make this marriage work?” The point is no longer living to make your point. Think of your biggest conflict, and now ask, “In light of this conflict, what am I doing to make this marriage work?” This question is empowering because it puts the ball back in your court.

2. Get help!

People research everything from Bitcoin to removing a grease stain, but in marriage, too many people don’t go looking for help at all. With so much at stake, why do married people not try everything possible before calling it quits? Why not seek help from a counselor, pastor, or wise friend? When I’ve suggested people get professional marriage help, the excuses have ranged from costly to uncomfortable. I promise a divorce is going to be much more costly and uncomfortable than counseling. Get help!

3. Take divorce off the table.

Unfortunately for some, because of verbal or physical abuse or infidelity, divorce is the only option. But most married couples should never even consider or utter the word divorce. Professionals agree, that if divorce is on the table, they are very limited in how much they can help. Divorce is an exit strategy, and once it is an option, it’s hard to get your attention off leaving. For most couples, divorce is not the answer because their marriage can be fixed! We can all choose to love better. We can choose to seek help. We can choose to fight for the person we promised to love forever.

4. Take a vacation from your issues.

When couples are in conflict, they often focus much more on their issues than their person. There are some issues you may never see eye to eye on. There may be some differences you never resolve. So set aside time when you aren’t trying to figure out what is wrong and enjoy what is right. Take an agreed-upon break from your issues. Go on an issue-free date night or two-day getaway. Or maybe you simply need to take a break from getting your point across for a week or so.

5. Be brave.

When people are in the middle of a marital crisis, their resolve can grow weak. They often feel they don’t have the strength to continue to fight for forever. If that describes you, please fight and pray for the courage to do the hard, uncomfortable, and self-sacrificing things to save your family. Be brave, my friend, for your spouse, kids, future grandkids, and yourself. No matter how things turn out, you want to know you did all you could do to fight for your family.

6. See her how you hope she sees you.

How you think about your wife will determine how you treat your wife. If you are considering ending it, it is worth the time to remember what you admire and love about your wife. That’s not easy during a marital crisis, but it’s worth the effort. When you remember what is true, noble, and right about your wife, petty things matter less. You can more easily let go of the trivial stuff that steals the joy from both of you. The person you chose to love forever is most likely still in there; work hard to find her!

Sound off: Why should every man fight for his marriage?